Cooping with butterfly-infections.

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Is there a wrong time to get involved with people? To fall in love but not be able to coop with it. Perhaps these strong emotions is ”just” a manifestation of my neurosis. As in:

I feel like shit —> I don’t feel like shit when I’m close to you —> I fall in love with you.

You probably know this and feel like my ludicrous behaviour has nothing to do with you. Perhaps all i’m falling in love with is my picture of you. It’s passion, a poison.

But I am not entirely crazy. This boy has safety features. The safety subsystem recognise that his system is being overrun by a cancerous program. Let’s call them Passion and infatuation. The system tries to kill them by ignoring perceived source of the cancer. Does not work. The growth has penetrated the subconscious (or perhaps that’s where it began). Hence we need more drastic measures. An old trick is distraction. Find another source of titillation and passion. This does offer an placebo. It does not work as a cure  but it does sooth and take away some of the pain. In plain-speak:

You need to fuck around.

But I don’t want to. I feel something for somebody that I’ve only felt once or twice before in my life and I’m supposed to give up? What the fuck?

This is not about what you want. This is about what you need. It’s about not making the same mistake again. And is there any point in you trying to anything? Does it work? No, it doesn’t? Can you make people love you? No, you cant!

Meditation? No power animal needed. ”Slide”. ”You entering your cave”. Fuck that. Vipassana meditation actually works. To bad I’m not doing it. Sit there and observe the pain. Let it be. Let the fuel burn up.

Run away. Move back to sweden? Move to Berlin? Enrol in a university-program? Start a realtionship on the fly. Fuck random attractive people?

No. It’s time to take the bull by the horns.

And how the fuck do I do that? I don’t even know when I’m running and not running-



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